Practising Mindfulness

Category: Emotional Maturity

  • Understanding Patience

    I’m siting in my room waiting. I’m impatient for something to happen. I feel frustrated and anxious. I feel like I’m suffering, there’s almost a physical pain, to my impatience

    In that moment, back then, I’m about ten years old. I’ve always struggled with empty moments; when there’s nothing happening. During this time the void is filled with anxiety, wanting and the nonexistent silence. I might spend time running through imaginary scenarios in my mind, seeking to figure out what I’d like to do, in order to fill up these nothing moments. Often, none of the scenarios I imagine take my fancy, and so I’m just left with feelings of frustration, over my sense that time, is being wasted. And our time is short.

    I’ve since learnt to lower my expectations and understand how inevitable it is that a lonely and unstimulated child will suffer

    The opposite, is an overly stimulated child, who doesn’t know this nothingness and then grows into an adult who always crams to much in; late for everything and everyone. Finding somewhere in between is the ideal. The ability to calmly make a plan for the day appreciating how long each activity will take.

    Oddly enough I’m drawn to nothingness; the desire to do nothing. It’s as if my mind is seeking to show me what exists within this nothingness; that my mind is seeking to reveal the root of my frustration: a childhood of neglect

    It’s often the case, that the many children who experience neglect, build powerful imaginations. We could even say that the building of a powerful imagination was our coping mechanism. Certainly useful as a child and also useful when seeking creativity as an adult. One thing we must now learn though, is the ability to quieten such an imagination. The mind can become hopelessly addicted to the stimulation our imagination provides. We must learn the patience needed to calm ourselves, and accept that we are no longer a child, that craves the stimulation and company of an absent parent.

    Patience comes from maturity and wisdom. Emotional maturity reveals how ridiculous it is, to expect something to happen, if we just wait long enough. Wisdom shows us what we must do to make our desires a reality

    Impatience is borne from a mind that is constantly casting itself into an imagined future. A mind that is untamed – believing that time is short – will be frustrated to be elsewhere doing something else, seeking fulfillment of impossible dreams. Patience comes when we cease the unnecessary search; when we’re able to move from one moment to the next, content in ourselves; expectations properly placed. Stop listening to the nonexistent.

  • Stimulation

    The need for stimulation is fine and creating the need for it’s opposite is also fine

    Think of a child constantly seeking stimulation. When a child is stimulated, it’s often because a parent, carer, or teacher is attentive to them. They’re being entertained, educated, and played with.

    When the child is stimulated in this way, the result is happiness, excitement, and growth. Ultimately, and for obvious reasons, we can become totally addicted to this.

    On a personal level, the later part of my childhood was filled with the kind of stimulation fear brings: chaos

    Interestingly enough, I feel that as a result of this chaos, my mind often craved calm. The only problem with calm is its seeming lack of stimulus.

    Children who’re unfamiliar with calm, only knowing chaos, become very accustomed to the need for stimulation. We can end up conflicted, wondering about the exhaustion we often feel and why we can’t seem to turn off our need for constant stimulus.

    Wanting is driven by our addiction and craving for stimulation

    It harks back to childhood and the way in which we were stimulated then. The positive of this was experienced by lucky children who were encouraged to find stimulation through creativeness. We can easily recognise those individuals, especially those who continue to be creative all their lives.

    Caution is advised, though, because craving the kind of stimulation creativeness brings does engender a degree of danger. However, the survivors of this danger are those who’re able to find balance and a calmness of mind in between their creativeness. Sting would be a fine example.

    And so we can experience happiness, growth, and contentment if we have a healthy balance between our need for stimulation and our need for calm.

    Learning to meditate, in order to find improved mindfulness, is the easiest way to begin finding this kind of balance. The alternative could well be a lifetime seeking to understand the conflict caused by our addiction.

  • Kindness . . . Where will that get me?

    Image by Александр Мартинкевич from Pixabay
    Hate is on the agenda, the 1% are getting attention, so the rest of us need to work harder

    In light of that heading let’s just remind ourselves what there is to gain from kindness. You never know, this short post might make you aware of something, you didn’t previously know. And once reminded of the benefits and power of kindness we’re then much more likely to spread the message.

    It does seem the media are focusing on hate and deep down we all know why; it grabs attention. We’re bombarded at the moment with all the incidents of hate and the consequences. Our curiosity is piqued, we want to know how tough others lives are. We want to feel some light relief and distraction from our own problems. This is the human condition and the media know it. On the back of this we must always remember the figures in my opening heading: it’s the 1% we’re currently having an issue with and if it wasn’t for the media they wouldn’t have a voice and our lives would be less affected. Unfortunately, that isn’t the world we currently live in. So the antidote is for the rest of us to focus more intently on kindness, the advantages to us, and how we can spread it around a bit.

    Spread it like chocolate spread on toast or marmite if that’s your preference

    Let’s start with the understanding of where kindness will get us. In days of old we believed that kindness would earn us merit and increase the chances of being taken off to a better place after death. Of course many people still believe this, and yet fail at being kind, so that ones out the window. However, there is another slant, on the kindness issue. And even though you won’t earn merit in the heaven stakes, what you will earn, is a calmer state of mind. You will earn peace of mind.

    The way this works is simple. Before explaining that we must start with understanding hate

    Let’s say for example you object to the actions, campaigning, beliefs – or whatever – of a certain individual, and you would like them to stop. Let’s say you decide to start your own campaign of hate. Straight away we can know that this kind of strategy might make you feel better for a short while and indeed you might feel that it is having an effect. Over time though, this kind of thinking, begins to create rot.

    The hatred begins to compound itself and its force becomes stronger. It permeates through your entire being. In the end it will always end in tears. We can go further. At its root, hate, is fear. It could be that it’s the campaigning of others that is a threat to your beliefs and way of life. When such things are threatened fear is triggered at a deep level. We only need to question the shaky beliefs of religious zealots to see how fear manifests itself.

    So instead let’s say you begin a campaign of kindness

    As mentioned, kindness offers peace of mind and calmness to the giver. This works in the same way that hating compounds hate. Kindness compounds kindness through tapping into the associated emotion: Love. Yeap, love is the word. And that is what we need more of.

    So how do we start a campaign of kindness when we are afraid? Well we must own up. We must own up to our fear. When we are afraid it is almost impossible to project love and kindness. Owning up to this defuses its power. When we say: “Yeap, what you are doing frightens me,” we defuse the hate that’s there on all sides. We then begin to build a common understanding of how we can move forward from the issues at hand.

    The individual who is campaigning against what he sees as wrongdoing must recognize the hate that exists within him

    Such an individual may think that his campaigning is doing good, and yet fail to see how his beliefs in right and wrong, are the real problem. When we’re offering kindness to each other right and wrong cease to exist. We begin to understand the viewpoints of all concerned.

    So there we are. Do yourself a favour and offer kindness today. It will calm you and offer a peace of mind that facilitates understanding. When we understand the fear, love, is free to roam.

  • Managing Stress Through Mindfulness

    There’s a massive difference between attempting to manage stress through the distraction of stimulation and quelling it through mindfulness. Allow me to explain.

    It’s often the case that we’re advised to find some kind of distraction when experiencing chronic stress, is it not? Whether this is going to see a good film, socialising with friends, or whatever. All very useful. However, it isn’t really a long-term solution. It can help, yet all we’re in fact doing is stimulating the mind in order to distract ourselves from our stressers. Stress management, through learning mindfulness from meditation, holds some very different qualities. 

    Constant stimulation can never be the answer

    In order to properly relieve stress, we must seek the calm, found through learning how to take control of the mind. Meditators are able to find a degree of emptiness where the mind can find true rest. In addition to this, the stillness of mind found in meditation facilitates the ability to separate ourselves from our worries and anxiety.

    Once we can objectively view what may be troubling us and generating undue stress, we instigate change. Constant distraction and stimulation only inhibit this. We do need to think ourselves out of difficulties. The many means of distracting ourselves, available in a modern world, only put things off.

    Perhaps poor time management is part of the problem. Utilising the paradox of taking the time to learn meditation – which leads to improved everyday mindfulness – has great value. Perhaps we will then come to understand that seeking constant stimulation, as some kind of cure, is, in fact, part of the problem.

    Slow . . . fit less into your schedule . . . learn to appreciate people and include meditation daily. We can’t find the cure until we learn to meditate, and we can’t possibly fully appreciate others (and what they have to offer) until mindful of their presence. Slow. Down. Contact: Philip@practisingmindfulness.co.uk