When you hold someone today, do it gently. In your everyday activities make a point, today, of being gentle in all you do. When placing a cup down on a surface, do it so gentle, that it barely makes a sound. When you speak, make the tones quiet, slow and soft.
In everything you touch today do it mindfully and gently
I believe you’ll be surprised by the results. There really isn’t enough gentleness in the world right now. So if we make it a good habit to treat each other gently and to be gentle in everything we do, it starts to take hold, and becomes our reality. We become gentle in turn. We become gentle with ourselves. After all, it is to ourselves that we hand out the harshest critique and instigate the cruelest of punishments.
A welder or a blacksmith will tell you, it’s only by applying just the right amount of energy, do we get the desired results
Never mistake gentleness with weakness. It takes great strength to respond to anger with gentle reasoning. And it is this that ultimately gets the best results; lasting change. Show your enemies how to love and how to use the power of gentleness, and in time, it will become their reality also. Just be gentle.
The mind will always provide what you want, and yet, what exactly do you want?
There’s something very special about human intelligence. There are a lot of things that we don’t fully understand about compassion and our ability to read others and their wants.
Many years ago, when I first started out as a Hypnotherapist, clients would often send me thank you cards. So much so, that in my waiting room, I started to struggle for space on top of filing cabinets etc. As I reflect on that time, it’s possible to understand why; it was something I needed. Not on a level fully recognised by me you understand, it was a message I was sending out, unconsciously. My clients actually wanted me to succeed and felt the need to encourage me.
In what I’ve just stated I once again find myself facing one of the beautiful ironies of life
As a Therapist, I’m in the business of helping people. In this respect surely it’s not for my clients to be helping me? But of course any interaction between humans, is going to be interlaced, with the unexpected. And the relationship between client and therapist can be an extremely complicated one (less so for the Therapist). That said, we must never underestimate the capacity we humans have, for showing love to one another, in unexpected ways.
It’s a very strange thing to assert, that even if this is only in our imagination, the mind will always provide what we want
Much of the communication between us humans is done at an unconscious level. And it all gets very interesting when we realise that the mind always provides what we want, even if this, is something unpleasant. If what we believe, about our fellow man for example, has been built on hatred, anger and intolerance, then this is exactly what we will receive. The mind will provide exactly that. And what we want, from moment to moment, is confirmation, of what we believe.
If you want a beautiful life, the trick, is to simply believe in the possibility and how to find it
At a very basic level we humans don’t need a great deal to survive. Surviving and thriving can be two very different things though. For example is a thriving life achieved simply through our needs being fully understood and met? It’s important to remember, we all have the same basic needs, but very different wants. One person can very well believe they’re thriving with only their basic needs met. For others thriving means something very different. Perhaps these are the people the lottery fund is dependent upon. People who are always found wanting.
The advice to acknowledge, must be to seek out love, and the need to understand it
A common misunderstanding is that love is self-sacrifice. Giving of oneself, so we may gain the pleasure of seeing loved ones thrive, can never be about sacrifice. In the past we might have been told that people have given up a lot for us, or made some kind of sacrifice, but this is a lie.
It can never be a sacrifice to give of oneself so those we love can thrive. We gain pleasure when we love. It must be a pleasure to give, because if it isn’t, this is something else entirely. We may even be seeking to control others with giving. In fact, if we want others to believe we’ve made sacrifices for them, this is all about needing control.
Man’s need for control over other men is ever present
This is especially the case from those who have very little control over themselves. There are times when we all feel a little out of control. This self-control is regained once we realise something fundamental: There are many things in life that are beyond our influence or control, and so much of the suffering in life, is caused through our want to chase those things, we have no real need or aptitude for.
It’s how we view life that is important
It’s how we react to events that determines our level of happiness. If what you are striving for seems illusive, change your perspective. It could well be that the thing you’re striving for is already where you’re at and you’re just not seeing it as such. For example, you might – on a conscious level – see success as one thing, and yet all along, the unconscious mind has been viewing things very differently. The way your unconscious mind is seeing success, may well be the very place, you’re already in! An interesting thought.
So to sum up, it’s all about understanding the wants and needs of your mind. Your wants are built on your beliefs. What you unconsciously want, may differ greatly, to your conscious desires.
When this kind of conflict exists the result is suffering. Suffering is eased when we have greater understanding of our unconscious beliefs. At it’s basic level, all you actually need to be a successful human being, is some of that magical ingredient called love. Send that out and it’s a need that’s easily met.
In order to begin the process of freeing yourself from a limiting belief it will prove very useful to consider what it was founded on. Way back, when we first learned our beliefs, they will have been founded on emotions. The stronger the emotion the more apparent and prominent the belief. So let’s simplify things a little, and work with just two emotions, those of fear and love.
If, for example, you believed that a certain activity were dangerous, there’s a good likelihood you would avoid it. This would be the case even if the activity were likely to broaden you as an individual. When we think of it there is an element of danger in many activities, even crossing the road holds risk. Most of us however, are fortunate enough to have been instructed on the sensible way to cross roads, and have been awarded a healthy respect for speeding cars. But what about something else? What about the beliefs we hold about ourselves?
Let’s say we believe ourselves to be weak and it was a fearful experience that caused its formation
Perhaps we backed down whilst being bullied or were submissive when abused as a child and this is seen by the mind as weakness. There may well be a sense of guilt underlying the belief due to our shame of submission. We ask ourselves: why didn’t I fight the bully? Why didn’t I report the abuser? Of course, once we have the opportunity to review such experiences, we’re enlightened to all the relevant details the mind has since chosen to ignore. Such as the size of the bully and the fear of getting a beating or the consequences of reporting abuse at the time.
These details are often ignored as the mind focuses on the belief – weak. We can go through life being held back by such a belief. We can shy away from experiences that would broaden us simply because we believe ourselves to be this way.
The ability to review childhood experiences also enlightens us to the reality of the existence of a belief’s opposite, which the mind is also choosing to ignore; in this instant, that of strength. It can take strength to walk away from a threatening situation rather than stand and fight. Our silence, in the face of abuse, is the strength to see the potential worsening of circumstances if we spoke up at the time. We needed to survive. Survivors of bullying and abuse often fail to see their strength as the mind becomes clouded by the predominant beliefs fueled by fear and guilt. But for any belief to exists its opposite must also.
Change the belief with love, the opposite of fear
It’s now that we must highlight the presence of opposites. Love is the tool we use. As adults we can easily review past hurts and regrets to recognise the beliefs formed. When we now apply love, we’re seeing these things as adults, and showing the inner child the kind of love, that will have been lacking at the time. With love we can show the child opposing beliefs and realise the benefits of seeing our inner strength, that has always been there, just never brought to the surface.
Never be mislead by simplicity it can take a long hard journey to arrive at such clarity
Over recent years I have written a fair amount on the subject of love and yet surprisingly little about compassion. And so today I’m asking: What exactly is compassion?
We can easily define this as an ability to feel for others. When compassionate we’re able to sympathise with the suffering and misfortune we might witness. We can empathetically feel the pain of others. Even so, if we posses this ability, but then fail to act, of what use is compassion?
If we combine compassion with love would this create the correct environment for action?
I feel that it would. Compassion alone is of little value if we fail to love. Consider how much power, compassionate thoughts have, when they concern someone we love. Consider the compassion we understand for a vulnerable child that we love. How would it be if we saw this child within everyone? How would it be if we saw this child, even within violent adults that are being used as pawns, within games?
And so, when people talk of meditating on compassionate thoughts and feelings, it is of far greater value, to see those we seek to feel compassion for, as children. After all it could be said we are all children struggling to grow. And we never really lose that fear and vulnerability, felt so strongly, as a child. It just weakens slightly as we age.
As with most things it does all start with ourselves. If you want to find compassion this is of course where it begins: within. Through meditating on compassionate feelings, and then offering this to the vulnerable child within ourselves, we stand a far greater chance of feeling this for others. When we look at any child, how can we fail to love? If we fail at this, compassion, has no meaning. Learn to meditate.
It’s true to say, the more you understand about any subject, the greater your chances of becoming skillful.
To draw a comparison, let’s think about meditation apps. Out of curiosity I have recently listened to one of these and found the experience very interesting. After just a few minutes of guided meditation I actually started to feel slightly stressed. The opposite of the apps intention. The problem, as I heard it, was that in comparison to my own, the person setting the pace of this guidance, had a slightly elevated anxiety level. I ended up being guided into a place that felt nothing like calm and more like mania.
It goes without saying that attendance on a meditation/mindfulness training course, has a far greater power, in helping us fully experience the benefits of meditation. Meditating in silent solitude is a completely different experience to being guided. Guidance may be necessary at first, yet, if the pace of this leaves us feeling stressed, it would only prove counterproductive. And if it does little to teach us about the process we’re about to undertake, we can be left feeling, like we’re stumbling around in the dark. Understanding the process is part of the method!
It’s also worth considering how improved understanding of the mind, and how the intervention of meditation can affect us, helps us to overcome the reasons for why most people fail to become proficient. It’s only once we’re proficient meditators are we able to increase everyday mindfulness.
The ‘faddish’ nature of phone apps may be doing more harm than good.
The ability to stick with meditation, comes from an improved understanding of the mind, and how to overcome its unwillingness to quieten. A course that uses models, relaxed guidance, and advice from an expert is, and will always be, the sensible choice.
The cushion raises me from the floor, my legs are crossed, I maintain a little strength in my abdomen. As I imagine a fine thread, attached to the grown of my head, it gently pulls straight my spine; my chin automatically tucks itself in. Now, gently swaying backwards forwards left and right, I feel for my balance.
and meditate . . .
Eyes just closed, gently attentive to my breathing, yet notice, the flowing thoughts in my head.
my thoughts abate . . .
As my mind wanders, with these thoughts, I remind myself of my purpose: My purpose is to gain control – of this straying mind. To do so, I bring my attention, single pointedly, back to my breathing. Repeat repeat – again and again – in time my thoughts abate.
confusion dissipates . . .
Confusion is the lack of certainty and uncertainty prevails. Without thought there is neither, therefore, confusion will cease; dissipating like melting snow on stone.
and conflict is resolved . . .
Opposing thoughts create conflict. Without thought, this duality no longer exists, therefore, conflict is resolved like the merging of two rivers.
There’s a massive difference between attempting to manage stress through the distraction of stimulation and quelling it through mindfulness. Allow me to explain.
It’s often the case that we’re advised to find some kind of distraction when experiencing chronic stress is it not? Whether this is going to see a good film, socialising with friends, or whatever. All very useful. However, it isn’t really a long term solution. It can help, yet all we’re in fact doing, is stimulating the mind in order to distract ourselves from our stressers. Stress management through learning mindfulness from meditation holds some very different qualities.
Constant stimulation can never be the answer
In order to properly relieve stress, we must seek the calm, found through learning how to take control of the mind. Successful meditators are able to find a degree of emptiness where the mind can find true rest. In addition to this, the stillness of mind found in meditation, facilitates the ability to separate ourselves from our worries and anxiety.
Once we can objectively view, what may be troubling us and generating undue stress, we instigate change. Constant distraction and stimulation only inhibits this. We do need to think ourselves out of difficulties. The many means of distracting ourselves, available in a modern world, only put things off.
Perhaps poor time management is part of the problem. Utilising the paradox of taking the time to learn meditation – that leads to improved everyday mindfulness – has great value. Perhaps we will then come to understand that seeking constant stimulation, as some kind of cure, is in fact, part of the problem.
Slow . . . fit less into your schedule . . . learn to appreciate people and include meditation daily. We can’t find the cure until we learn to meditate and we can’t possibly fully appreciate others (and what they have to offer) until mindful of their presence. Slow. Down.
Practising Mindfulness 