In this reality, he sat next to the bed of the dying child and told her all about heaven. In an alternate reality, he told her this . . .
We all die. Some die sooner than others. It is nature or circumstances that decide this. And it’s true that you will never see me again but that’s okay. Okay, because of what I’m about to tell you.
There are many different elements that have made you who you are. Those elements, or parts, were already here before you were born. When you die, your body returns to the earth. All that you are is recycled and used again. You become the grass, the trees, and the blue sky. You, my love, will go everywhere. You will be in everything and that everything will be here for as long as there is a universe. And how long will the universe live? Longer than our minds can conceive of.
Which reality we live in is, of course, a choice. If we chose a reality based on fantasy, what is this life? Is our life something vague and filled with conflict and denial? Are we wrapping ourselves in cotton wool created by lies? Facing the truth means experiencing the stark realities of life. And those realities, although sharp and focused, are the truth of a beautiful life
When we have the courage to face our suffering and talk to our children with truths, only then will we live in a world that knows how to escape the madness. Always be mindful of the truth, and that way, you will find truth in everything. Love. Loss. Joy. Sadness. Life. Everything becomes clear. Life and death are beautiful then.
I imagine that even my mentor – a man who I remember as being like a dog with a bone – would possibly tell me that pursuing further answers, to the particular puzzle I’m going to discuss, is pointless. He might say: forget this now. And potentially, after this final reckoning, I will. The issue will drift away to the place where it belongs; the past. Forgotten. Gone.
In the meantime, as much for my benefit than anyone else’s, I’m going to discuss tinnitus. Yeap, that persistent, concoction of unnatural sounds, my brain insists on producing. And I’m certainly not alone with this issue
On this occasion, my story begins with last night, and my thoughts and feelings at the time. For the last week or so my partner has been visiting relatives in a far flung land: Florida. As our home is in the UK Florida is some distance away and in fact it’s the furthest we’ve been apart for nearly eighteen years. I accepted last night that I feel anxious about this and other things besides. One of these other things involves my partners safety. She sent me a picture of the boat she intends on travelling along the Peace River in. Even though, as the name would suggest, Peace River is, in general, very calm and still I was worried. What worried me was the look of the boat she’ll be travelling in. To me it looked a bit on the flimsy side and the engine was far too big for the size of the boat. Seeing this I became anxious. As a result, last night, I began compiling WhatsApp messages spelling out my concerns. I didn’t send them. Thankfully. Instead, I pondered on what exactly I was doing. I became mindful of my intentions.
Eventually I fell asleep and woke this morning feeling lighter, happier, and tinnitus was quieter
What I came to realise, before falling asleep, was how fearful I was for my partner and myself. I was anxious about something I had absolutely no control over whatsoever. I decided to trace this back. Along with the awareness of my fear I was reminded of how often I was made to feel responsible for the safety of others during my childhood.
There is no doubt that feeling responsible for other members of my family as a child was anxiety inducing. No child should be made to feel responsible for anything other than their pet hamster. For me this wasn’t the case. With this burden came the coping mechanism of noise. Noise during childhood was used as a release for my parents fear as well as a means of escape for me. Loud noise, has, during the course of my life, been used as a distraction from my anxiety. The end result is I’ve irreversibly damage my hearing. My hearing is damaged but this doesn’t mean that tinnitus has to be the end result. The end result can in fact be quiet. A quiet I’ve come to understand my mind has been seeking for a very long time.
I’m unsure if I’ve ever understood this before or if I’ve conveniently forgotten and need to remind myself. No matter. What matters is that I now become increasingly mindful of how fear (anxiety) for myself and/or others, is recognised for what it is: Unnecessary. Others must be responsible for their own safety. And my fears must be seen for what they are: Unfounded and unnecessary
I think up until now I’ve been pinning tinnitus on many other things. Stress being one of them. However, I realise that stress is never really anything I’ve had issue with. Some stress (eustress) has it’s uses. I feel now, that I’ve been looking everywhere else (and I do mean everywhere), except the very place I needed to.
This place is called fear. A place of fear. Whether this be fear of loss – which ultimately transcribes as fear of the absolute distress I would suffer if any harm came to those I love. Or it’s a fear for the well being of others. As a side note, it is this sense of responsibility, that has caused me to reject so many people in my life. It is the reason I have no children. In reality I carry no responsibility for others at all.
If, in the future I experience extreme tinnitus I must ask myself: What exactly am I anxious about? Could this question help you in some way?
Lets face it. The real fear, most of us harbor, is that of suffering. None of us want to suffer. It is this fear we must all look very deeply at. Potentially looking deeply at this, and welcoming a little self-induced suffering (hunger would be a good example), will lift us all exponentially. Fear can be self-fulfilling and if we, as a species, aren’t very careful, the fear of suffering unnecessarily will become a very painful reality.
I’m happy to report that my partner, Julia, is now safely off the boat. I can see a picture of her sitting by the family pool holding a beer. Lucky girl!!
It may seem like a contradiction to say we must be mindful of the future
We are told that mindfulness involves being present moment focused. This is true. We can be mindful of the moment and everything that’s happening right now. In this way our focus of attention helps us to extract all there is from what we’re experiencing right now. Without judgement it doesn’t matter what we are in fact doing. We might be doing something as mundane as washing up and yet as long as there is no judgement, and the mind is focused now, all is well. If whilst washing up, we’re thinking and feeling we’d rather be somewhere else, then we will rush and become frustrated at what will soon feel like a chore.
When we add the importance of mindfulness to our physical well being, and not just our mental fitness, we gain on many levels
I’m going to talk here about food. Oh yes a favourite subject for many. And rightfully so. Gaining pleasure from food is to be encouraged. Certainly something that I can relate to here, is the importance of recognising when the pleasure of eating has drifted out of mindfulness, and into forgetfulness. There are times when we become forgetful. Forgetful of what we understand. Most of us understand that the pleasure from eating can become something used as a coping mechanism. We feel sad or depressed and eating can change this. In particular sugar. The effects of sugar can lift our feelings. Or alternatively, perhaps we regularly become lost in the present moment of pleasure and forget our future health.
That’s right, lost in the present moment of pleasure we can forget how we’re eating and it’s possible effects on the future. Not only must we be mindful of the present, pleasurable experience of eating, we mustn’t get lost in this. Also remaining aware of the control valve we call self-discipline will pay dividends for the future.
We can eat too much. What stops, those who have a healthy relationship with food, overeating? I would suggest it’s exactly what I’ve just laid out. A mindfulness of how a present moment activity can effect the future. We’re mindful of cause and effect. The control valve of self-discipline is governed by an awareness of the dangers of overeating.
I’m aware that if I carry on with my addiction to sugar it will shorten my life
I’m pretty keen on the idea of living a long life. And not just that. I’m keen on living a long and healthy life. As odd as the saying sounds: I’d like to die well. From this moment on, I must continue to be aware of the pleasure of eating, and at the same time, be aware of healthy limits. 30 grams of sugar a day to be exact. Lets all be mindful of our limits. And whilst enjoying the pleasure of the present moment, also remain mindful of how to live a long, and healthy life.
When I ask myself if I have any enemies the answer immediately comes back that I don’t
As a child I had plenty of enemies. Some of them were the adults I encountered and some of them were kids of the same age. Now that I’m grown, I suppose I could still class those people who would like to take advantage of me, as enemies. And yet, ultimately, it’s only me that allows others to take advantage. I’m old enough, with plenty of life skills and experience behind me, to be fully able – when mindful of others – to easily defend myself against this. As such ,they’re not really enemies.
So this brings me to the realisation that if I have any enemies at all it’s me! I am my own worst enemy
As an adult it’s my forgetfulness that’s my real enemy. My forgetfulness to remain vigilant of my own thinking. It is my judgments, thinking, beliefs and opinions (borne from these beliefs), that create the enemy within. By remembering (being mindful) of impartiality, and where appropriate, indifference to the behaviour of other human beings, I cease the negativity that we all tend to be bias toward.
In the grand scheme of things none of us have true enemies. Even as a child, if I’d been equipped to think differently, many of my enemies could well have become dear friends
War-mongers are those who are at war with themselves. There is no peace within the minds of those who choose to wage war. Their suffering will always become as great, if not greater, than those they wage war against. All that remains for us to do now is become aware of our own thinking. To become more aware of the beliefs that drive our thinking. To be aware of the unthinking behaviours that are the result of our conditioning. Only then will we have peace.
It’s dusty in the quadrant. The queue at the tuck shop is never very long. I can buy my sweets quickly. Sweets in hand, happier now
Anxious but never really understanding why. Sweets have always helped change something. I’ve never really understood what. It’s the process of taking something away that has helped me understand my addiction. My total lack of control over myself and my need for sugar. I took away my illusion and my addiction got worse. So, the answer, has been to recognise my illusion – as an illusion – and then understand my need for it. I need the illusion of inclusion because this makes me feel less afraid; less alone. I’ve decided to keep the illusion because I feel happier and healthier with it. I feel less need for sugar. I feel in control. This is most surly a paradox of immense proportion. Is it not the case that illusions are a sign of my mind out of control?
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because there is no difference between illusion and reality. No difference at all as far as the mind is concerned
What does matter is that I’m mindful of what I need to do to be happy and healthy. My illusion of inclusion – that there are some people out there who love me and value what I say – is important for me to be less afraid and to feel in control of my sugar addiction. My illusion of inclusion keeps me sane. I’m in control. Happy with my illusion. And so thankful of my minds ability to cure me of my crippling loneliness. You are there as far as my mind is concerned and that is all that matters. I must be mindful that my illusions are not likely to do me or anyone else harm. And now you ease my suffering beautiful mind.
What does your front door look like? Is it strong and sturdy? Or does it look like it could easily be broken down?
Where I work the door is mainly made of glass. It has an open sign in the window when I’m there. Very recently a lady called Mrs Hackaday called in to complain that we hadn’t been able to help her. To me she seems to have become a little fixated. She tells me she has recently lost her husband. Goodness knows where. And she tells me she used to be a psychologist. I mentioned I used to be a Hypnoanalyst. She didn’t stay long after that. Better results you see.
I feel it’s okay to have a glass fronted door where I work but wouldn’t want this kind of door where I live. I remember the door of my childhood home was at least 50% glass
Think of this: The greater my awareness the stronger my front door. It’s not as if I’m always hiding behind one of those little spy holes. Not at all. In fact, if I decide to open the door, I see the whole person standing in front of me. Disability and all. The question is whether or not I decide to open the door in the first place. The spy hole helps. My awareness helps me to make this decision. I ask If opening myself up to this person is of any benefit to me, or am I likely to be angered by their forgetfulness (lack of awareness).
I think of mindfulness as my beautiful front door. My mind safely protected behind
Yes. Protected. Because so many people are forgetful of their manners and seem intent on knocking very loudly. Even attempting to break down the door with a battering ram. But now? Not a chance. My awareness is my beautiful, sturdy, front door.
As obvious as it might sound we must always remember to place responsibility where it lies
I’ve recently experienced a problem with my post and now find myself worrying as to whether future parcels and letters are going to reach me or not. In a quieter moment, I let this worry go, by recognising that the only responsibilities I have, is to ensure my address is clearly marked on the door, and that I’m either in when my mail is expected, or have made alternative arrangements for where it can be dropped off. Beyond this, I have no control over the situation whatsoever. If my mail doesn’t turn up, all I’m able to do is contact the carrier responsible for my parcels and make a claim for lost items. Not having experienced this before, I’m assuming they will now look for the lost item, and if not found, I will be reimbursed to the value of its contents.
The point to gain is, worrying about anything that isn’t our responsibility, and consequently have no control over, is wasted energy
Whilst wasting energy, on things that are neither our responsibility or under our control, we’re not getting on with the important business of fulfilling what is. Leave the job of delivering mail to the carrier and focus on what really matters: your responsibilities.
It brings to mind the important business of ensuring we take proper responsibility for ourselves. An extreme example would be codependent relationships. I’ve recently heard the issue of codependence taken very lightly and even suggested as acceptable. Perhaps to some it is, however, the trouble with a codependent relationship, is its restrictive nature. It’s the old joke about the dying man who’d been in a codependent relationship all his married life and how, in the moment of his death, he saw someone else’s life pass before his eyes. Those within abusive relationships don’t often see it until it’s too late.
And so, once again, be sure to focus on bringing your own mind under your own control (if you don’t someone else will) and only concern yourself with what you’re responsible for. And if you’re in the business of delivering mail, surely, it’s a specialty of yours, to know where the mail should be going? Take care, take responsibility, and focus on what your specialty is, and all will be well.
Practising Mindfulness 