Poor timekeeping is saying: Your time is worth less than mine. You are unimportant. I am important and to help you understand that I’m going to keep you waiting
Other human beings remind me everyday of how unimportant I am. I get it. I’m nothing. About as insignificant as an ant they’ve just stepped on. Although this is the case, when I’m reminded of this through people being late, it isn’t actually at any cost to me. The loss is theirs.
Never be fooled by the excuses. When people are late it’s because they have no respect for your time. What this teaches you is, they have no respect for their own time. In more ways than one, they are not present
And so this is what the individual with poor timekeeping has to teach you. Heed the lessons and gently remove yourself from their lives. I simply have no time for those who don’t respect mind. I remove them from my attention. Done. I can no longer understand a word they say. And as such, I have nothing to offer them. If only they knew how much they’ve lost.
By taking a moment to process the kind of responses people give, can help to ensure the rules or purpose of the game, (it’s always a game) are fully understood
Often, when talking to friends, family and partners, we can neglect to register the nature and true purpose of the interaction. Most importantly, there are times when the interaction has a nefarious root. Responses can be geared so that their effect, if not quickly realised, are unconsciously damaging. Subtle gaslighting if you will. Always slow and consider any potential hidden agenda when interacting with other game players.
It may not be possible to read the true purpose of the interaction first time. No matter. Just acknowledge how the conversation or questions make you feel. In this way the next time you’ll be ready to play the game differently
Consider something as simple as giving your opinion on how something looks. It may be that the true intention (unconscious intention) is to ultimately dismiss your opinions as worthless. Are you being lead to feel that your opinion will help to ease someone’s indicisiveness only for this to then be ignored? Does this happen often? Be aware of the game and learn how gaslighting in this way can be played to give others a harmful advantage. Harmful, because ultimately, it’s psychologically damaging. Once you’re aware (mindful), of their fear based advantage, it becomes neutralised. Your love based gameplay can come into force when you gently point out your awareness of their intention. They will of course deny any nefarious intention and this, once again, is just gameplay. Be aware.
In this reality, he sat next to the bed of the dying child and told her all about heaven. In an alternate reality, he told her this . . .
We all die. Some die sooner than others. It is nature or circumstances that decide this. And it’s true that you will never see me again but that’s okay. Okay, because of what I’m about to tell you.
There are many different elements that have made you who you are. Those elements, or parts, were already here before you were born. When you die, your body returns to the earth. All that you are is recycled and used again. You become the grass, the trees, and the blue sky. You, my love, will go everywhere. You will be in everything and that everything will be here for as long as there is a universe. And how long will the universe live? Longer than our minds can conceive of.
Which reality we live in is, of course, a choice. If we chose a reality based on fantasy, what is this life? Is our life something vague and filled with conflict and denial? Are we wrapping ourselves in cotton wool created by lies? Facing the truth means experiencing the stark realities of life. And those realities, although sharp and focused, are the truth of a beautiful life
When we have the courage to face our suffering and talk to our children with truths, only then will we live in a world that knows how to escape the madness. Always be mindful of the truth, and that way, you will find truth in everything. Love. Loss. Joy. Sadness. Life. Everything becomes clear. Life and death are beautiful then.
I imagine that even my mentor – a man who I remember as being like a dog with a bone – would possibly tell me that pursuing further answers, to the particular puzzle I’m going to discuss, is pointless. He might say: forget this now. And potentially, after this final reckoning, I will. The issue will drift away to the place where it belongs; the past. Forgotten. Gone.
In the meantime, as much for my benefit than anyone else’s, I’m going to discuss tinnitus. Yeap, that persistent, concoction of unnatural sounds, my brain insists on producing. And I’m certainly not alone with this issue
On this occasion, my story begins with last night, and my thoughts and feelings at the time. For the last week or so my partner has been visiting relatives in a far flung land: Florida. As our home is in the UK Florida is some distance away and in fact it’s the furthest we’ve been apart for nearly eighteen years. I accepted last night that I feel anxious about this and other things besides. One of these other things involves my partners safety. She sent me a picture of the boat she intends on travelling along the Peace River in. Even though, as the name would suggest, Peace River is, in general, very calm and still I was worried. What worried me was the look of the boat she’ll be travelling in. To me it looked a bit on the flimsy side and the engine was far too big for the size of the boat. Seeing this I became anxious. As a result, last night, I began compiling WhatsApp messages spelling out my concerns. I didn’t send them. Thankfully. Instead, I pondered on what exactly I was doing. I became mindful of my intentions.
Eventually I fell asleep and woke this morning feeling lighter, happier, and tinnitus was quieter
What I came to realise, before falling asleep, was how fearful I was for my partner and myself. I was anxious about something I had absolutely no control over whatsoever. I decided to trace this back. Along with the awareness of my fear I was reminded of how often I was made to feel responsible for the safety of others during my childhood.
There is no doubt that feeling responsible for other members of my family as a child was anxiety inducing. No child should be made to feel responsible for anything other than their pet hamster. For me this wasn’t the case. With this burden came the coping mechanism of noise. Noise during childhood was used as a release for my parents fear as well as a means of escape for me. Loud noise, has, during the course of my life, been used as a distraction from my anxiety. The end result is I’ve irreversibly damage my hearing. My hearing is damaged but this doesn’t mean that tinnitus has to be the end result. The end result can in fact be quiet. A quiet I’ve come to understand my mind has been seeking for a very long time.
I’m unsure if I’ve ever understood this before or if I’ve conveniently forgotten and need to remind myself. No matter. What matters is that I now become increasingly mindful of how fear (anxiety) for myself and/or others, is recognised for what it is: Unnecessary. Others must be responsible for their own safety. And my fears must be seen for what they are: Unfounded and unnecessary
I think up until now I’ve been pinning tinnitus on many other things. Stress being one of them. However, I realise that stress is never really anything I’ve had issue with. Some stress (eustress) has it’s uses. I feel now, that I’ve been looking everywhere else (and I do mean everywhere), except the very place I needed to.
This place is called fear. A place of fear. Whether this be fear of loss – which ultimately transcribes as fear of the absolute distress I would suffer if any harm came to those I love. Or it’s a fear for the well being of others. As a side note, it is this sense of responsibility, that has caused me to reject so many people in my life. It is the reason I have no children. In reality I carry no responsibility for others at all.
If, in the future I experience extreme tinnitus I must ask myself: What exactly am I anxious about? Could this question help you in some way?
Lets face it. The real fear, most of us harbor, is that of suffering. None of us want to suffer. It is this fear we must all look very deeply at. Potentially looking deeply at this, and welcoming a little self-induced suffering (hunger would be a good example), will lift us all exponentially. Fear can be self-fulfilling and if we, as a species, aren’t very careful, the fear of suffering unnecessarily will become a very painful reality.
I’m happy to report that my partner, Julia, is now safely off the boat. I can see a picture of her sitting by the family pool holding a beer. Lucky girl!!
It may seem like a contradiction to say we must be mindful of the future
We are told that mindfulness involves being present moment focused. This is true. We can be mindful of the moment and everything that’s happening right now. In this way our focus of attention helps us to extract all there is from what we’re experiencing right now. Without judgement it doesn’t matter what we are in fact doing. We might be doing something as mundane as washing up and yet as long as there is no judgement, and the mind is focused now, all is well. If whilst washing up, we’re thinking and feeling we’d rather be somewhere else, then we will rush and become frustrated at what will soon feel like a chore.
When we add the importance of mindfulness to our physical well being, and not just our mental fitness, we gain on many levels
I’m going to talk here about food. Oh yes a favourite subject for many. And rightfully so. Gaining pleasure from food is to be encouraged. Certainly something that I can relate to here, is the importance of recognising when the pleasure of eating has drifted out of mindfulness, and into forgetfulness. There are times when we become forgetful. Forgetful of what we understand. Most of us understand that the pleasure from eating can become something used as a coping mechanism. We feel sad or depressed and eating can change this. In particular sugar. The effects of sugar can lift our feelings. Or alternatively, perhaps we regularly become lost in the present moment of pleasure and forget our future health.
That’s right, lost in the present moment of pleasure we can forget how we’re eating and it’s possible effects on the future. Not only must we be mindful of the present, pleasurable experience of eating, we mustn’t get lost in this. Also remaining aware of the control valve we call self-discipline will pay dividends for the future.
We can eat too much. What stops, those who have a healthy relationship with food, overeating? I would suggest it’s exactly what I’ve just laid out. A mindfulness of how a present moment activity can effect the future. We’re mindful of cause and effect. The control valve of self-discipline is governed by an awareness of the dangers of overeating.
I’m aware that if I carry on with my addiction to sugar it will shorten my life
I’m pretty keen on the idea of living a long life. And not just that. I’m keen on living a long and healthy life. As odd as the saying sounds: I’d like to die well. From this moment on, I must continue to be aware of the pleasure of eating, and at the same time, be aware of healthy limits. 30 grams of sugar a day to be exact. Lets all be mindful of our limits. And whilst enjoying the pleasure of the present moment, also remain mindful of how to live a long, and healthy life.
We see violence and anger and for many of us our instant reaction is to be angry and violent ourselves
I watch a child shouting abusive language at an adult and I instantly feel angry. I want to discipline this child. Teach them to respect adults and know their place. I want to shout and slap. I’m angry enough for this to build into rage and fury.
It’s only when I stop and become mindful do I realise what this actually is. I become aware of how infected by fear I have become. The angry child is terrified and powerless and all I wanted to do was compound this. I became fearful and angry myself. It’s a childish response. I must be the adult
Once I acknowledge the responsibility of becoming the adult I allow something else to take over my mind. That’s right. I allow room in my mind for the opposite of fear. As soon as I do this it is this emotion that begins to consume my thinking and feelings. I allow it to consume my mind. When I do this, what I want now, is to hold this terrified child in my arms until my love helps their fear subside. The antidote to fear and anger, that can all too easily build into rage and fury, is love. All we need do is become mindful enough to begin questioning our initial reaction. In this way we begin to give love room to exist in our minds.
An important consideration is how mindfulness can allow us to see the very root to our initial reaction to a child’s anger. We can ask: How is it I feel instantly angry myself? Where did I learn this reaction?
In my case this reaction is down to conditioning. I was taught that children are inferior to adults and should reflect this in their behaviour. Authoritarian parents – inferior, childish and conditioned themselves – made certain that I showed inferiority to their superiority. As such, my instant reaction to seeing, or experiencing a child demonstration abusive angry, language to an adult, was as my conditioning dictated. Instead, I can be aware now, and allow the opposite of fear to consume me.
When I ask myself if I have any enemies the answer immediately comes back that I don’t
As a child I had plenty of enemies. Some of them were the adults I encountered and some of them were kids of the same age. Now that I’m grown, I suppose I could still class those people who would like to take advantage of me, as enemies. And yet, ultimately, it’s only me that allows others to take advantage. I’m old enough, with plenty of life skills and experience behind me, to be fully able – when mindful of others – to easily defend myself against this. As such ,they’re not really enemies.
So this brings me to the realisation that if I have any enemies at all it’s me! I am my own worst enemy
As an adult it’s my forgetfulness that’s my real enemy. My forgetfulness to remain vigilant of my own thinking. It is my judgments, thinking, beliefs and opinions (borne from these beliefs), that create the enemy within. By remembering (being mindful) of impartiality, and where appropriate, indifference to the behaviour of other human beings, I cease the negativity that we all tend to be bias toward.
In the grand scheme of things none of us have true enemies. Even as a child, if I’d been equipped to think differently, many of my enemies could well have become dear friends
War-mongers are those who are at war with themselves. There is no peace within the minds of those who choose to wage war. Their suffering will always become as great, if not greater, than those they wage war against. All that remains for us to do now is become aware of our own thinking. To become more aware of the beliefs that drive our thinking. To be aware of the unthinking behaviours that are the result of our conditioning. Only then will we have peace.
It’s dusty in the quadrant. The queue at the tuck shop is never very long. I can buy my sweets quickly. Sweets in hand, happier now
Anxious but never really understanding why. Sweets have always helped change something. I’ve never really understood what. It’s the process of taking something away that has helped me understand my addiction. My total lack of control over myself and my need for sugar. I took away my illusion and my addiction got worse. So, the answer, has been to recognise my illusion – as an illusion – and then understand my need for it. I need the illusion of inclusion because this makes me feel less afraid; less alone. I’ve decided to keep the illusion because I feel happier and healthier with it. I feel less need for sugar. I feel in control. This is most surly a paradox of immense proportion. Is it not the case that illusions are a sign of my mind out of control?
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because there is no difference between illusion and reality. No difference at all as far as the mind is concerned
What does matter is that I’m mindful of what I need to do to be happy and healthy. My illusion of inclusion – that there are some people out there who love me and value what I say – is important for me to be less afraid and to feel in control of my sugar addiction. My illusion of inclusion keeps me sane. I’m in control. Happy with my illusion. And so thankful of my minds ability to cure me of my crippling loneliness. You are there as far as my mind is concerned and that is all that matters. I must be mindful that my illusions are not likely to do me or anyone else harm. And now you ease my suffering beautiful mind.
What does your front door look like? Is it strong and sturdy? Or does it look like it could easily be broken down?
Where I work the door is mainly made of glass. It has an open sign in the window when I’m there. Very recently a lady called Mrs Hackaday called in to complain that we hadn’t been able to help her. To me she seems to have become a little fixated. She tells me she has recently lost her husband. Goodness knows where. And she tells me she used to be a psychologist. I mentioned I used to be a Hypnoanalyst. She didn’t stay long after that. Better results you see.
I feel it’s okay to have a glass fronted door where I work but wouldn’t want this kind of door where I live. I remember the door of my childhood home was at least 50% glass
Think of this: The greater my awareness the stronger my front door. It’s not as if I’m always hiding behind one of those little spy holes. Not at all. In fact, if I decide to open the door, I see the whole person standing in front of me. Disability and all. The question is whether or not I decide to open the door in the first place. The spy hole helps. My awareness helps me to make this decision. I ask If opening myself up to this person is of any benefit to me, or am I likely to be angered by their forgetfulness (lack of awareness).
I think of mindfulness as my beautiful front door. My mind safely protected behind
Yes. Protected. Because so many people are forgetful of their manners and seem intent on knocking very loudly. Even attempting to break down the door with a battering ram. But now? Not a chance. My awareness is my beautiful, sturdy, front door.
During meditation we can experience moments of realisation. During brief moments of silence, we realise that beneath all the chatter of our internal dialog, there exists a silent observer. We realise that this observer is our awareness. And at our core this is all that we are
It stands to reason, that from the moment of our birth, we have experienced many things. It is our interpretation of these events that shape and decide how we see the world. How others act and how they interact with our actions and behaviours, determine the opinions we form about ourselves, and others.
Initially, these things are ascertained from sights, sounds, tastes, and feelings. Do we feel threatened, or do we feel safe. We begin to ask: How must I act to continue feeling safe? What do I need to do to increase my sense of wellbeing, love, and security? What must I do to get what I want? Our beliefs and our identity (who am I?) begin to form from a very early age.
What we believe we are is the sum total of the beliefs formed from our experiences. Thoughts result from the vast belief systems that now exist within our minds. We are what we believe we are. Our internal dialog is there simply to compound our identity forming beliefs. Who are you in fact talking to?
During meditation we can ask this: Who was I just talking to? Was I talking to myself? Once our realisation holdsthat,beneath all the chatter there is only awareness, we begin to see how it is the minds beliefs that are creating identity. The next step in our development is to see the possibilities that are now forming. We can ask: If all that I am is this collection of beliefs, what beliefs must I lose and what beliefs must I start believing, to improve my quality of life?
It’s a certain fact, understanding the nature of our beliefs, causes them to become more fluid. We can realise they only belong to us because we’re choosing to compound them. Much of what we believe about our selves can either be redesigned or disposed of altogether.
Practising Mindfulness 