Before we can get scammed we need to be feeling certain emotions. Whether it be fear, excitement, compassion or loneliness, the scammer is relying on our humanity, to trick us. In a way, the fact that we seem so open to being scammed, does say something very positive about us. We feel. However, it’s acting impulsively on feelings alone, that’s our weakness. It’s the old idiom of allowing the heart to rule the head.
Whatever the emotion the scammer is tapping into, they succeed, because our emotions often lead us into bypassing our critical thinking
Being mindful of feelings allows us to take a moment to asses how these feelings might be causing us to act impulsively. Increased awareness of our feelings can help us in many ways. Scammers are one scourge modern life challenges us to deal with. A much older problem is that of being manipulated through our emotions by those we’re close to.
An improved awareness of our emotions and how they affect our thinking helps us to deal with manipulative people
The emotional mind can seem very complicated. How we react emotionally is subjective and personal to us. When we’re able to separate the emotional mind from the thinking mind we have the power to make better choices. Choices that are not driven by fear, guilt, or anger. So when feeling, take a breath, and become mindful of how your emotions are affecting your decisions. Scammers and manipulators are powerless against a calm and well reasoned mind.
When we get right down to the heart of the matter it’s possible to remove so much of the wheat from the chaff
Starting with opinions. Ask: What is my opinion based on? Naturally the answer is knowledge. Your understandings of the world and most importantly your beliefs.
And so opinions are based on beliefs. What about thought? What is thought based on? A though might start with a feeling. You see in the news that an aeroplane has crashed and you feel upset. Fear is there. Anger is there. Wonder is there (someone survived). And then you form opinions based on your thoughts. What are your beliefs about the safety of aeroplanes? Do you believe they are intrinsically unsafe? If so, even though it’s a very rare event, your opinion might be; Oh my God, another one! Your beliefs will filter your opinions and, subsequently, your reactions. It might even affect you to the point of avoiding flying from this point on. At the extreme, you might become fearful of travel in general.
How would it be if you simply learned of the accident and managed to stop yourself from thinking and forming an opinion? How would it be if you understood the suffering of others through ambivalence (neutrality)?
Other peoples suffering is something we must be aware of. We decide how their suffering affects us. If we allow ourselves to become overly involved in the suffering of others we can also become lost. Far better to be one step removed (emotionally) and then seek to understand how suffering is generated and exacerbated. We can then offer this understanding to others.
There is a need to being removed from our opinions and emotions
Especially if you have no direct involvement. Ambivalence to the seeming chaos in the world is necessary for our own well-being. We find the ability to remain neutral and unaffected by tragic events through mental strength. Our mental strength will determine control over thoughts and opinions based on beliefs. The most effective method of improving how much control we have over our minds is meditation.
Meditation leads to improved mindfulness. Mindfulness is the awareness of our emotions and thoughts. Meditation is the study of our consciousness. Through becoming aware, we can control our thoughts and opinions, directly influencing our overall well-being. Well reasoned and measured reactions to events are a sign of our maturity and mental fitness.
How useful would it be if we were able to recognize instantly what the intentions of those we meet really are?
It is human nature for people to work hard to get what they want. Let’s say a couple have made some small alterations to their new home. These alterations have unfortunately left a hole in the wood flooring. This flooring was fairly new and had been paid for by the previous owners a few years ago. The new owners have pondered over how they can resolve the situation and discovered that the floor had been laid by a local company. It makes sense for them to approach this flooring company and get the hole fixed.
It’s quite possible these home owners know they’ve made a mistake in moving fixed items that the flooring has been laid around. A kitchen sink in this example
They’re uncertain on several counts: Firstly, the flooring company aren’t necessarily going to be interested in a small job such as this. And secondly, they can’t be sure if the flooring company does repair or restoration work. And so with this in mind, the couple approach the flooring company with a certain strategy.
They’re going to tell the guy behind the desk what’s going to happen. They’re going to effectively bully the companies representative into conceding that the company has some kind of moral obligation to fix their mistake. They’re going to tell the representative how easy it’s all going to be and how it really isn’t going to be any trouble to the company at all. They do in fact suspect it will be the direct opposite of this.
Fixing a hole, in tongue and groove flooring, is anything but a simple job. The wood needs to be matched. A small quantity of wood needs to be found (flooring manufactures do not supply in small amounts). And a carpenter will need to lift surrounding flooring and cut new pieces to fit. All of this takes time and money, but according to the customer, it’s an easy inexpensive quick job.
The manipulative and bullying home owners have succeeded in getting a surveyor from the flooring company to spend time and energy assessing the job. There is a feeling of resentment being felt by the company representatives
Consider how the situation would be if the representative had quickly established and understood the manipulative, bullying tactics being used. He would have been able to instantly play the game to his advantage. He could have answered their initial inquiry by stating that the company doesn’t engage with restoration or repair work. Restoration and repair work is a whole different thing to supplying and fitting new flooring. No fear of confrontation would have also helped the representative assert the best interests of the company.
The answer here is mindfulness. We must all be mindful of how we get our needs met. If we want to ensure there is no resentment being felt; that any engagement with our fellow man is amicable and peaceful, it is important to be respectful to all parties. It is possible to play the game so that we all win. Mindfulness would have shown the home owners that moving the kitchen sink was a very bad idea. They wouldn’t have needed to bully or manipulate anyone as a result of not damaging the floor in the first place.
We must ask: In what way are the manipulative bullies of the world destroying peace and stability, simply as a result of not thinking things through? Mindfulness, on the part of the representative, to the nature of the couples tactics,would have equipped him to deal with it in a way that left no resentment. He wouldn’t be left feeling resentful if he’d been better able to assert the companies standpoint. We must act without fear and at the same time be respectful of the needs of all.
In the rich man’s house there is no place to spit but his face – Diogenes
I can’t help wondering how superior the rich man feels when he gives to the poor. And here’s the thing; so what? So what if he feels superior? Does his superiority make his money any less valuable to the poor? I doubt it. The needy will take the money and thank you. Superiority and grandeur are only illusions anyway. I’ve met many rich men whose intellect has startled me. It’s obvious to me why rich men are rich. And you can read what you like into those last two comments. Am I criticizing in order to feel superior? Or am I being complementary? You decide.
So if we criticize humanities’ failings in an attempt to highlight important lessons from the past (stupidity in the majority thinking that created the rise in nazism for example) must we be seen as superior? Are we really just looking to get a quick fix from feeling superior through criticism?
Quick fix or not, I don’t think it really matters. We must continue to highlight how certain ways of being or thinking can be dangerous. Is that not the important point? So don’t cancel criticism or superiority there could well be something of great value there within.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect – Mark Twain
We need only look into the recent past to see the evidence of how stupid we humans can be when following the majority. Independent thinking, based on some very simple rules, can often get us out of very tricky situations.
There is enough for everyone. Enough land, enough food, enough money. It can be argued that boarders are necessary. We could say that our growing population needs to be evenly distributed so that a country’s infrastructure can cope. This is common sense. And so if we take the world as a whole, even though we have boarders, resources can easily be distributed among us all. It’s when we fear there not being enough that problems occur. The mentality of: this is mine and that is yours belongs in childhood. We, as a species, are still very much in our infancy.
That said, it is not all of us that remain in our infancy. We could look at an individual such as Bill Gates and say his attitude and philanthropy is a reflection of his maturity
Immediately, there are those who will say, oh well it’s okay for Bill Gates he has more money than he could ever spend. And extreme examples are open to this. However, putting this to one side, if we all took Bill Gates philanthropy as an example, and gave away the same proportion of our income, it wouldn’t amount to that much. But would certainly make a massive difference in terms of how wealth is distributed. All that needs to happen is for us to grow a little so we may lose the same mentality as our children.
Ultimately, all of us are only ever custodians, of what we think of, as our possessions. And this includes land. In time all boarders will change. How will we continue to distribute land as the planet rearranges itself? Something it has done from the very beginning. Do we just fight more wars and continue with the hatred and anger we’re currently experiencing? There will be generation after generation of this. Or will we eventually reach the kind of understandings needed for a long term, peaceful, survival? I would suggest more thinking, away from the majority, is required. You can start today. Can you not? Time to pause and reflect.
If those closest to you cannot adequately consider your needs, or at the very least make allowances for them, what is at the root of this?
By asking the important question of how this makes us feel, we can begin to understand. If others are unable – or just indifferent – to your needs, how does this make you feel? Lonely? Frustrated? Angry? Perhaps all of these emotions occur just on different occasions. From my own perspective, it comes down to the level of my awareness. It all depends on how mindful I choose to be about others’ behaviour. When fully aware, I predominantly feel angry when my needs are disregarded.
And here is the answer: My anger. Others need this if they’re unable to express this themselves. The purpose, or root to the game, of disregarding my needs, is no more complicated than this. In my particular circumstances, once I ask the right questions, I’m able to remind myself of the limitations of those around me. The game of ignoring my needs is being played in order to use my emotions as a tool. This tool can then be used for varying things. Rejection can be an aspect to this.
So, to recap. If others are being inconsiderate to your needs, ask yourself how this makes you feel. Now. Why would others need you to feel this way? To help you? Or as a means of using your emotions to reach a goal of their own?
The key to a more comfortable life and to finding considerate, loving people within it is mindfulness. Become aware of the game. If you remain unaware of how others may be subtly manipulating you or even bullying you, the game is over before you’ve even begun. Without awareness, you’re stuck in a game being played around you that you’re losing. Be mindful and begin to play with a far better hand.
Poor timekeeping is saying: Your time is worth less than mine. You are unimportant. I am important and to help you understand that I’m going to keep you waiting
Other human beings remind me everyday of how unimportant I am. I get it. I’m nothing. About as insignificant as an ant they’ve just stepped on. Although this is the case, when I’m reminded of this through people being late, it isn’t actually at any cost to me. The loss is theirs.
Never be fooled by the excuses. When people are late it’s because they have no respect for your time. What this teaches you is, they have no respect for their own time. In more ways than one, they are not present
And so this is what the individual with poor timekeeping has to teach you. Heed the lessons and gently remove yourself from their lives. I simply have no time for those who don’t respect mind. I remove them from my attention. Done. I can no longer understand a word they say. And as such, I have nothing to offer them. If only they knew how much they’ve lost.
By taking a moment to process the kind of responses people give, can help to ensure the rules or purpose of the game, (it’s always a game) are fully understood
Often, when talking to friends, family and partners, we can neglect to register the nature and true purpose of the interaction. Most importantly, there are times when the interaction has a nefarious root. Responses can be geared so that their effect, if not quickly realised, are unconsciously damaging. Subtle gaslighting if you will. Always slow and consider any potential hidden agenda when interacting with other game players.
It may not be possible to read the true purpose of the interaction first time. No matter. Just acknowledge how the conversation or questions make you feel. In this way the next time you’ll be ready to play the game differently
Consider something as simple as giving your opinion on how something looks. It may be that the true intention (unconscious intention) is to ultimately dismiss your opinions as worthless. Are you being lead to feel that your opinion will help to ease someone’s indicisiveness only for this to then be ignored? Does this happen often? Be aware of the game and learn how gaslighting in this way can be played to give others a harmful advantage. Harmful, because ultimately, it’s psychologically damaging. Once you’re aware (mindful), of their fear based advantage, it becomes neutralised. Your love based gameplay can come into force when you gently point out your awareness of their intention. They will of course deny any nefarious intention and this, once again, is just gameplay. Be aware.
In this reality, he sat next to the bed of the dying child and told her all about heaven. In an alternate reality, he told her this . . .
We all die. Some die sooner than others. It is nature or circumstances that decide this. And it’s true that you will never see me again but that’s okay. Okay, because of what I’m about to tell you.
There are many different elements that have made you who you are. Those elements, or parts, were already here before you were born. When you die, your body returns to the earth. All that you are is recycled and used again. You become the grass, the trees, and the blue sky. You, my love, will go everywhere. You will be in everything and that everything will be here for as long as there is a universe. And how long will the universe live? Longer than our minds can conceive of.
Which reality we live in is, of course, a choice. If we chose a reality based on fantasy, what is this life? Is our life something vague and filled with conflict and denial? Are we wrapping ourselves in cotton wool created by lies? Facing the truth means experiencing the stark realities of life. And those realities, although sharp and focused, are the truth of a beautiful life
When we have the courage to face our suffering and talk to our children with truths, only then will we live in a world that knows how to escape the madness. Always be mindful of the truth, and that way, you will find truth in everything. Love. Loss. Joy. Sadness. Life. Everything becomes clear. Life and death are beautiful then.
I imagine that even my mentor – a man who I remember as being like a dog with a bone – would possibly tell me that pursuing further answers, to the particular puzzle I’m going to discuss, is pointless. He might say: forget this now. And potentially, after this final reckoning, I will. The issue will drift away to the place where it belongs; the past. Forgotten. Gone.
In the meantime, as much for my benefit than anyone else’s, I’m going to discuss tinnitus. Yeap, that persistent, concoction of unnatural sounds, my brain insists on producing. And I’m certainly not alone with this issue
On this occasion, my story begins with last night, and my thoughts and feelings at the time. For the last week or so my partner has been visiting relatives in a far flung land: Florida. As our home is in the UK Florida is some distance away and in fact it’s the furthest we’ve been apart for nearly eighteen years. I accepted last night that I feel anxious about this and other things besides. One of these other things involves my partners safety. She sent me a picture of the boat she intends on travelling along the Peace River in. Even though, as the name would suggest, Peace River is, in general, very calm and still I was worried. What worried me was the look of the boat she’ll be travelling in. To me it looked a bit on the flimsy side and the engine was far too big for the size of the boat. Seeing this I became anxious. As a result, last night, I began compiling WhatsApp messages spelling out my concerns. I didn’t send them. Thankfully. Instead, I pondered on what exactly I was doing. I became mindful of my intentions.
Eventually I fell asleep and woke this morning feeling lighter, happier, and tinnitus was quieter
What I came to realise, before falling asleep, was how fearful I was for my partner and myself. I was anxious about something I had absolutely no control over whatsoever. I decided to trace this back. Along with the awareness of my fear I was reminded of how often I was made to feel responsible for the safety of others during my childhood.
There is no doubt that feeling responsible for other members of my family as a child was anxiety inducing. No child should be made to feel responsible for anything other than their pet hamster. For me this wasn’t the case. With this burden came the coping mechanism of noise. Noise during childhood was used as a release for my parents fear as well as a means of escape for me. Loud noise, has, during the course of my life, been used as a distraction from my anxiety. The end result is I’ve irreversibly damage my hearing. My hearing is damaged but this doesn’t mean that tinnitus has to be the end result. The end result can in fact be quiet. A quiet I’ve come to understand my mind has been seeking for a very long time.
I’m unsure if I’ve ever understood this before or if I’ve conveniently forgotten and need to remind myself. No matter. What matters is that I now become increasingly mindful of how fear (anxiety) for myself and/or others, is recognised for what it is: Unnecessary. Others must be responsible for their own safety. And my fears must be seen for what they are: Unfounded and unnecessary
I think up until now I’ve been pinning tinnitus on many other things. Stress being one of them. However, I realise that stress is never really anything I’ve had issue with. Some stress (eustress) has it’s uses. I feel now, that I’ve been looking everywhere else (and I do mean everywhere), except the very place I needed to.
This place is called fear. A place of fear. Whether this be fear of loss – which ultimately transcribes as fear of the absolute distress I would suffer if any harm came to those I love. Or it’s a fear for the well being of others. As a side note, it is this sense of responsibility, that has caused me to reject so many people in my life. It is the reason I have no children. In reality I carry no responsibility for others at all.
If, in the future I experience extreme tinnitus I must ask myself: What exactly am I anxious about? Could this question help you in some way?
Lets face it. The real fear, most of us harbor, is that of suffering. None of us want to suffer. It is this fear we must all look very deeply at. Potentially looking deeply at this, and welcoming a little self-induced suffering (hunger would be a good example), will lift us all exponentially. Fear can be self-fulfilling and if we, as a species, aren’t very careful, the fear of suffering unnecessarily will become a very painful reality.
I’m happy to report that my partner, Julia, is now safely off the boat. I can see a picture of her sitting by the family pool holding a beer. Lucky girl!!
Practising Mindfulness 